What is the Secret to Happiness. Episode 1 - 7 Feb 2022 - #HappyAF Show


Hello, hello! It’s our first episode of Happy AF. Oh my Gosh! Welcome Mindset Warriors to Happy AF with Sam Bowker. This is me and I’m here for you.

This is our very first episode so guaranteed I’m going to fuck things up a little bit and you guys are all going to be okay with that because you know me. Right? If you expected perfection instead of progress, let’s face it you would not be a Mindset Warrior, you would not be here, and you wouldn’t be hanging out with me.

So I just want to welcome every single one of you for showing up on this Live with me today. Just a bit about today’s episode. It really is just my intention to share with you why it is that I’m even doing this. Why did I decide to create a show called Happy AF? You can fill in the AF, but for me Happy AF is about being as happy as fuck as we possibly can. Yes I swear, but if you don’t cope with that, then once again, this is probably not the group for you, because the one thing I learnt a long time ago people is I cannot be somebody else. I’ve always been a swearer. For a long time I tried to curb it, I tried to play the game and I tried to fit into this little box. The reality was I was miserable, I was inauthentic. I was not myself and I sure as shit was not Happy AF! So I made a decision to just be myself. Like me, love me, hate me – that’s okay because I’m here for you. Okay?


I’m showing up today with one intention. My only intention today is that if I can help just one of you, just one person get a little happier than they were before I started the show, then this has been a massive success for me. In my lifetime I have big lofty goals that I will share with you, and they come from many different places. But really, my intention with this particular show, is just about getting out there and providing a free service to you guys that you can share with your loved ones. I know that they cannot see it unless they’re in this group, you cannot share it from this group, that’s a Facebook thing. If I could make this thing un-private, I would. The reality is this will be shown in other areas.


This is our first episode. You guys are like in the VIP Cool Kids Club. This is kind of like-if you think of it like a red carpet preview situation. You are getting to be the first ones to see this event, which means you’re going to get to see all the bloopers, all the fuckups, everything I do right, everything I do wrong. Let’s face it, there is no right or wrong. Everything just is. I promise that I will progress every week. When I show up I may never be super-duper organised and I may never ever have a script, because that’s just not how I roll. I kind of roll with-I speak with what is in my heart at the time and what I’m called to say at the time. Sometimes I have a plan and the minute I sit here in front of the camera, I completely throw the plan away. The reality is: you will get ME, you will get REAL and RAW ME. I promise every comment, everything that you jump in there and speak about, I will get back to you guys. Maybe not today, but I promise you I will get back to you. So please, if you’re here, jump in and say, “Hi”. Okay?


When you’re sitting here talking to a camera, I have deliberately (now I’m about to tell a lie … no). I was going to wear my glasses today and then with all the lighting I found that the reflections were so bad, and the eyes are the window to the soul. So I let go of the fact that I actually now cannot see a great deal and I decided to tell myself the good story about that was that I couldn’t get nervous as to whether there was one person watching or nobody watching or whether I was just talking to a camera, because that would be making it about me, and not about you, which is what this is about. So, I can’t see how many of you are there, but that does not mean I don’t feel your energy and your presence and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to like and comment and say what you want to say. And ask questions. Okay?


So, alright. Without further ado.


Why have I started this show? What is the intention of having a show called Happy AF? In fact, what exactly does that even mean? Well, I kind of worked something out guys. There’s been a lot of people that I really respect and there’s been an argument around the word happiness. There seems to be this concept that happiness shouldn’t be a goal and that we should be seeking joy and peace and contentment. That’s all really fine and well but it does not change the fact that, of the thousands of clients that I have worked with over the last 20 years, I’ll tell you the number one response I get when I ask them what they want.


They may come to me with problems with smoking, or food or alcohol or anxiety or depression or some phobia. It doesn’t matter. They could come to me with anything. The number one response that I get when I ask, “What do you want?” They all say, “I want to be happy.” When I then say, “What is it going to take for you to be happy,” the standard response is: “I don’t know”.


I kind of-when I first started doing this, I realised and I was kind of sitting back and going, “What is this?” What is this elusive happy? Because the funny thing is, when you’re not happy, you know all the things that you think would make you happy. One of the most common responses is: “I’ll be happy when…” Anything you put after “when” is external to you, usually. I shouldn’t say “anything”. I shouldn’t always say “always” because there is not an always. But it’s usually something like “I’ll be happy when I have a child, when I get the job, when I buy the house, when I get the boyfriend, when I lose 10 kilos. When I eat healthy all the time. When I have better friendships. Blah blah blah. You fill in the blanks.


So I want to ask a question. If you yourself know that you have said things like “I’ll be happy when…” what is the blank. If you’re brave enough to write it in the comments section. I guarantee you, whatever it is you’re experiencing, you’re not alone. So, one of the things that I’ve become incredibly good at picking over the years is patterns. People’s patterns of behaviour and the way that they are doing and thinking, determines how they are feeling. If they believe that they will be happy when they have a child, when they have a relationship, then I promise you they will never feel happy until they have that. But, here’s the kicker, they’ll get that thing (whatever it is) and they still won’t be happy. That’s kind of fucked. Yeah? If your whole entire goal is to search for something outside of you and then you get there and you still don’t actually experience it, what is the point?


That’s why we have such-I believe-and you’re going to hear me talk a lot about beliefs and you’re going to also hear me reference beliefs being stories-I’ll talk more about that after. Okay?


The reality is my belief about why so many people are unhappy, is because they’ve been sold a lie. They’ve been sold a lie from such a young age. Not intentionally-parents don’t go out of their way to wake up every single day with a mindset of: Today I’m gonna fuck my kid up as much as I possibly can. Well I don’t know. Maybe there is some narcissistic, crazy, psychopathic, sociopathic people out there that think like that but I’ve got to say, the average parent-being a parent, I wake up and every single day my goal is to be the best mum I can be, to do the very best that I can by my daughter to give her the resources and give her everything that she needs to have a great life and I really believe most parents feel the same.


Do I get it right? Sometimes. Do I stuff up? Yes, an awful lot. This morning was a perfect example of me in my non-perfect parenting moment. I allowed something external from me to impact me. The reason this is so important for you guys to understand, is that happiness is not about something that you get. It’s not a destination. It is something that you create within and honestly, I really believe that to understand how to do happy-it’s a verb, it’s a doing-there is plenty of things that you can do to do happy. It is a learned skill.


I believe the child is born and they’re just happy. As long as you feed them and you cuddle them and let them sleep, they kind of do happy all by themselves. It’s only as they get a bit older, that they start putting frames and references on what it is that makes them happy.


To give you an understanding as to why I think I get this so well, I have to take you back a little bit. Some of you that have been around me for a while might already know a bit of my story. Those of you that are new to me might not have heard any of this. To understand what happy is, first we have to go to what is unhappy. I know every single person here on the planet at some point is going to experience unhappiness. It doesn’t matter where you come from, what your past has been like, what has happened to you – everyone will have experienced unhappy at some point.


For me, I’ve had many different turning points. I’ve had great parents. I’ve got a brother, I’ve got a sister, I’ve got a beautiful daughter. I’ve got a great business. I’ve got great friendships. I’ve got a really good life. I’m very grateful I’ve got my health. I’m very grateful. But it wasn’t always like that and what I do know for certain is that I used to be chasing happy like it was a destination. That’s why I now know-I deadset know-that my mission on this planet is to actually help-I put a number on it because I believe in measuring things.


My goal is to help ONE BILLION PEOPLE tap into their inner fabulosity, that is already there-their God-given talents that they already have-and I want to teach people how to tap into those and then go out and use those talents to be a shining light on humanity and teach others to do the same.


That might sound like a pretty lofty goal, or it might sound a bit esoteric-I know when I told my daughter, my daughter in typical 10 year old girl fashion said, “Oh mum. That’s so cringe-y.” That’s cool. For her that sounds pretty cringe-y. I get it. Truthfully, me speaking it out loud today, it sounds even a bit cringe-y to me, but I know with all certainty that that is actually my purpose. And that makes me happy.


Knowing your purpose definitely gives you a guidepost to getting happy AF and it allows all the speedbumps along the way to just be that-they are speedbumps. Right? Some people get in the car in the morning and the traffic is bad. They lose their shit and they drive like crazy people, and they beep on their horn, don’t let anybody in and they get to work and when someone says to them, “How’re you going?” they go, “Oh my God. I’m so stressed. It was so bad. Grrrr.” Then they’ll share that grrrr with everybody.


Other people will get in the car, people will cut them off and they’ll think, “Gee that person must be in a rush. I hope everything’s okay with their family. Here you go, I’ll let you in.” I was driving yesterday and I had someone in the car with me. I was driving into Terrigal-my local little area-to go to dinner with a friend and there was clearly someone trying to reverse park in the left hand lane. I stopped because it had stopped all the traffic. I stopped and let all these people through and this guy just looked at me and he goes, “God, that wouldn’t happen in Sydney.” To me it was like, it was a no brainer. This poor person-probably I would say older, because you could see how panicked this person was.


You know what it’s like when you’re in the traffic, and all of a sudden you want to reverse park somewhere and now you’re causing a traffic jam and then someone dares put their horn on you? You’re already anxious as fuck and now somebody’s like freaking out at you. That’s definitely someone who’s definitely not living with the motto of Happy AF.


So, I guess I want to go back a little bit just so that I can share with you that I really did not used to know how to do this. I used to be so impacted by external everything. I was the biggest victim. Every excuse under the sun for not being happy. Oh I’m not happy because this happened today, because this person did this. That happened. I’m not happy because I didn’t hit this target that I set for myself. It was all external, because I validated my happiness and my success based on other people’s opinions and based on external measurement tools. I’m telling you, if that is how you measure your happiness, phew you’re up for a tough ride. I can promise you with deadset certainty you’ll never achieve it because you will be doing comparison. You’ll be comparing yourself-and there’s always going to be somebody better at something than you. Right?


This industry I work in is a perfect example. Every course I’ve ever done with a coach, the first thing they say is, “Go out and check out who your competitors are.” Honestly, that’s the worse fucking advice to give somebody like me, I think. Alright, remember this is my show, my opinions and if you don’t like it that’s okay, but here’s the thing. When you go and do that, the first thing that most people do is we go and look at all the other people in the industry that are doing what we’re doing, and we go, “Oh well, they’re already doing that thing, and that person’s doing that thing.” Then you start going into your head and you start being really critical and you think to yourself, “Oh my God. What have I really got to offer? Do I have anything that’s really that unique or that special?” If this is a really unusual story for you, then I don’t know, you’ve been living under a rock. I know, for me, comparison has been the killer. I know that this work that I get to do now…

I just turned 47 the other day. I know-I look pretty fabulous still. But I just turned 47 and when I was 23 years old I went and saw Tony Robbins. Some of you might know who he is. You will either love him or you’ll think he’s a complete lunatic, or you’ll have no idea who he is. It doesn’t matter where you are within this category, chances are in this group you’ve probably at least heard of him and chances are, even if you think he’s a happy-clapper, you might have maybe gathered some useful tools or tricks from this guy.


I, at 23 years old, was a drug addict. I was on my second bout of addiction at that particular point in time. I’d come back from Canada where I’d been having a great old time, snowboarding and partying and taking lots of drugs, but I was pretty broken by the time I got home. My dad and mum bought me a ticket to go and see Tony Robbins. There is no doubt in my life-there is no doubt that at that moment in time, that four day workshop ‘Unleash the Power Within’ saved my life. There is just not a doubt in my mind. I was on a trajectory at that point where I had no idea how to do happy. If I wasn’t snowboarding or snorting lines of cocaine, I was miserable. Or getting other people telling me how great I was. I was working as a shooter girl in a nightclub getting people drunk, doing lines of coke, snowboarding every day.


I was 23 years old. Now, that all might sound fun in you’re young and you’re thinking, “Oh my God!” But you don’t that shit when you’re happy. You just don’t. At that point I had been doing those types of patterns for so long that I really only knew how to do happy by getting high or snowboarding down a hill, and that’s really great-the snowboarding down the hill thing, I still have a mad passion for that. That’s all good. But the other thing is not really helpful. Yeah? The reason I’m telling you this story though, is that at 23 years old this guy changed my life. I’d been living in Canada and over there, back in-oh God, what was that-the nineties-he was everywhere on infomercials. They were huge. We didn’t have the internet like we’ve got now, but Tony Robbins was everywhere. If you’re a drug addict, I guarantee you, you are awake at 2:00am and 3:00am and 4:00am, and Tony Robbins was on a cycle. Every hour, Tony Robbins, Tony Robbins. Come to UPW. Come to UPW. I’m a hypnotherapist now, so I understand getting this message again and again and again subliminally… Then my dad rings me says, “Well, we’ll either help you pay for your health insurance (which at the time I needed because I was not in a good place in Canada) or, come home and we’ll buy you a ticket to Tony Robbins. At the time I didn’t know, but a friend-a very dear friend of mine (and this is not the first time this has happened for me)-but a very dear friend of mine rang my parents and said, “She needs to come home. She’s not in a good way.” My parents, knowing that if I knew that they knew that, I wouldn’t come. So they never told me that-I didn’t find that out until years later.


I came back and I did this Tony Robbins. After doing this I was like, “That’s it!! I want to go like Tony Robbins. I’m going to go and I’m going to help people become happy and I’m going to teach them all these resources. That’s what I’m going to do. That is my purpose. That is what I’m on this planet for.” For the first time in my life, I honest felt really clear in my mind about This is My Purpose. My purpose is to go out there and love and lead and inspire and speak. I was so vibed … for about two weeks.


Then I left that environment and here’s what happened. I went out into the real world, where I wasn’t in my protective little hub, and here’s what happened. Everybody, so they’d go, “Oh, Tony Robbins, he’s that happy-clapper dude. He’s that guy that jumps around and makes lots of noise. Isn’t that a cult? Err, Tony Robbins.” Because I didn’t have enough confidence in myself and I was already pretty fragile-that four days was really great-the reality was is it wasn’t enough. It was enough to break a pattern and it got me off drugs in that moment, but it wasn’t sustainable and it wasn’t long-lasting.


It did show me something. This is why-I know this a long winded way of me going back around to comparison-but here’s the funny thing. That was when I was 23 years old. I knew then that the work I’m now doing is what I was put on this planet to do. It took me-I don’t know-another 10 or 15 years before I even came back down this path again. It took me going to another coach and experiencing it again and then realising that actually-like Tony Robbins has been doing this kind of work for over 45 years and he didn’t invent this stuff. Right? If you ask him, he will tell you one of his biggest teachers was Jim Rohn and Zig Ziglar. Then he’ll go back even further and he’ll talk about various other mentors. The thing is, I somehow created my own story/belief back then, that if I didn’t have anything original and if it wasn’t my idea, I couldn’t go and do it.


Today, I just want to share this with you. Don’t let an external-an outside force-don’t let something outside of you be the determinant of your happiness. If you do that, you’re never going to be happy. Whether you want to use the word happy or joy, it really doesn’t matter. What I know for certain is that YOU are responsible for it. I don’t care what has happened to you yesterday, last week, last month, last year. I’m not saying that my heart doesn’t bleed every horrible story that I hear from a client or a friend, and I’m not saying I haven’t had my own share of really rough rides. I do know this.


You decide the meaning that you are going to assign to those things.


I know people that have been gang raped that make a story up about it that it only happened because they were disgusting and horrible and deserving of being abused like that-because they are shit people. Other people have created stories that for instance it happened so that they could then go on and be a shining light and help others deal with that type of tragedy. There’s people who have watched their own child be murdered in front of them by their ex-husband who’s a crazy fuck. Who’ve then gone on to become Australian of the Year and do more for domestic violence than probably anyone on the planet. So… don’t let your stories determine how you feel. Make a decision-this is what this show is going to be about-it’s going to be about teaching you that being happy is a choice. Right?


When my 10 year old says to me, “I can’t choose to be happy.” Yeah you can. You can choose to be happy about this situation, or you can choose to be sad. It takes as much effort either way. I’m not saying things don’t come naturally. When something tragic happens I’m not saying jump up and go, “Woohoo! This is a great experience!” I am telling you that you can change your state. That was the number one thing that I learnt back when I was 23 years old.


Changing your state changes how you feel.


If you change how you feel, then you change how you see the world.


You start seeing the gifts.

……

I’m going to make sure that I keep these shows to 30 minutes. This is my goal. So today really was about giving you a bit of an understanding. We’ve got a few minutes and I’m going to give you one thing. One thing you can do today that could raise your happiness. Okay? If you decided to do it.


Before I jumped in here today, I was out in my back room and I put on some music and I was jumping around like a crazy person. Now, there’s a couple of reasons why I was doing that. Your physiology and how you hold your body, has a HUGE impact on how you feel. I could ask a thousand people what does a depressed person look like, and I guarantee you every single person will show me with their body what depression looks like.


So, everybody knows what depression looks like. Right? Head down, shoulders slumped, your eyes probably looking to the ground. If everybody knows what that looks like, and that’s just in their body... Then if I was to say, “What does a depressed person think?” I guarantee you, I could ask a thousand people-even if they’ve never done depression-and they’ll have some answers: “Err, I’m never gonna be happy. Everybody hates me. The world is a shit place. Everything is bad in the world. Blah blah blah.” They’re certainly not thinking anything positive.


But if I was to turn around and say, “What does a happy person do? How does a happy person look?” everyone’s going to say to me, “Well their head would be up, shoulders would be back.” Your physiology, how you hold your body, is so responsible for how you internally feel. Yes, there are the stories that you are telling yourself and there is the tone of voice. These things all play a role. But if you want something, the quickest, easiest thing that you can do to change your state in a heartbeat, especially if you want to do happy, is to find some music that makes your heart fill. Find some music that just makes you feel good and then jump around like a crazy person. Dance like no one is watching. No one will be watching. Just doing that-and I’ve done this with thousands of clients that are doing serious depression-you cannot feel depressed and jump around and listen to really great music and be like “Woohoo!” You cannot do that and feel depressed at the same time! Because your body in that moment is telling your brain, “Shit, something must be going on. Something’s happening.


You can’t do depression when you are moving your body like a crazy person. Now alright-one could argue that you could be running away from something that’s scaring the shit out of you-so I’m suggesting you pick your movements but guys, if you chuck a song on and you move your body and you dance around, I’m telling you now-no matter what is going on-you will be able to shift your state.


I’ve got a challenge for you all just this week. I want you to go away and I want you to find the time and I want you to measure how you’re feeling, on a scale of one to ten. I want you to think to yourself, “Right now, on my happiness scale, I feel like I’m four out of ten.” Or, “I feel like I’m a six out of ten.” It doesn’t matter why. Don’t even-that’s irrelevant. Then I want you to go and pick a couple of songs. One of the funny things I’ve noticed about depressed people, is if I ask them what songs they listen to, and then they tell me the playlist and we start listening, they are all sad songs. You can’t help yourself. It’s like when you have a breakup, you go and put every sad song you can possibly find on, and you listen to it. Then you cry and you feel shit. That’s what we do.


Go and find a couple of songs, and I’m going to put a few of my favourites. I’m going to chuck a few suggestions in here. If you can’t think of one-sometimes when you’re not feeling good, it’s hard to come up with something. I’m sure that’s nobody in this group here because you guys are Mindset Warriors. However, I am going to chuck a few songs in here to give you some suggestions.


Guys-if you’ve got a song that you really love that makes you just fill up-share it. Sharing is caring. Show us what you’re happy song is.


And then I challenge you, scale yourself. Go, “Alright, now I feel like a four.” Then just spend five minutes jumping around and dancing to some music and thinking about what you are grateful for.


A million people didn’t wake up this morning, over a million people didn’t wake up this morning. If you’re listening to this, you’re one of the people who did. Even if that is the only thing you can celebrate, celebrate that. No matter how bad shit gets, I promise you there is always, always one thing you can be grateful for. If all that is, is that you woke up, there is someone out there that you matter to, if right now you feel like you don’t matter to yourself.


So, my mission with this show is to be here every week for you and to give you some tips and resources to show you how to do happy. And, also teach you how to ride the wave, because if you could have seen me this morning-I’m telling you. For me, everything just didn’t go the way I wanted it to go this morning. I was running late. We couldn’t find something. My daughter spilt food all over herself. I couldn’t set my setup the way I wanted to. The lighting didn’t seem to work. We moved this 20 times and I guarantee I’m going to watch it back and I’m going to critique the shit out of it.


But you know what? It’s all about PROGRESS, not PERFECTION.


That’s another quick tip.


You want to be Happy AF? Let go of perfection my friends, because perfection is the birthplace of anxiety. I promise you, if you’re aiming for perfection, you’re fucked. It does not happen. It’s like a holiday destination. You get to visit there every so often, but you don’t get to live there. So it can’t be the goal. Back in the day I used to wear that as a badge of honour. “I’m such a perfectionist,” I would say. I honestly thought it was the coolest thing ever. I thought it actually meant that I was really clever and intense and important and valuable. No. It just meant I took fuck all chances on things. I didn’t try because if I wasn’t 100 percent certain that I was going to get it right, I wouldn’t even do it. That’s why it took me over 23 years to start doing the work that I could’ve been doing 23 years ago.


Look, there’s no point in having regrets people because reality is I truly believe a regret is just a mistake you made that you didn’t learn from. I have definitely learnt from every single mistake I’ve made and I have made a shit ton. So, I really would encourage you to just accept that happiness is something we do. It’s not something that we get. It’s something that we do, and a simple thing you can do is move your body.

So, before I jumped on, I chucked a few songs on, I bounced around. I sat there and I kind of laughed at myself because I knew I was getting in here. I knew I was going to jump on and not be able to see you. I knew I was going to feel a bit anxious and a bit worried. But I also knew that whatever needed to come out and through me today, was going to be the message for someone out there.


I don’t know who needed to hear what I’ve just said today, but I hope you’re here, whether you’re live or whether you’re watching this on replay. If you have any questions, please make sure you either type them in the comments section, DM me if you don’t want to share it with everyone else, just know that it really is my mission here to help you understand that happiness is an inside job. I can teach you how to do it. It comes from so many different avenues, and there’s lots of different resources that I’m going to be giving you in the coming weeks.


I’m brand new at this, okay? I’m learning as I go. I’m working with a mindset of PROGRESS not PERFECTION. My goal is to have this on Spotify and all these different places. My goal is to create pdf’s so that you guys can download things. In fact, I think we’ve already got some things coming up for you, but I want to keep you tuned in. There’s going to be some exciting things coming up in the coming weeks.


I think I’m pretty sure I’ve just gone over time. I still can’t actually see what I’m doing. I had all these notes but clearly I wasn’t meant to actually look at them because-as I mentioned, I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t see anything. So I hope I look alright and I hope I’ve actually been looking at you and I hope you got something out of this this morning.


Please go ahead and share with your friends. If you think that they could do with a little happy. If you’ve got a friend who’s struggling with anxiety, or depression or addiction, get them to join this group because it’s all free and they can sit here and they can passively consume stuff.


I promise you, every week I will be giving you some tips on how to get yourself out of wherever it is you are now-if that is not Happy AF-and move you in the direction of that.


So, this has been the first episode!! Okay, I can take a deep breath now. Thank you for joining me.

My name is Sam Bowker. I am your host here at Happy AF. We are sponsored by Happy U Headquarters.

I love you guys.

I hope you have the most magical day.

Make it count. You will never ever get this day back again.

And make sure you share with me. What did you get from this? What did you learn? What do you want to know more about?

I love you guys.

Mwah.

Bye.


Copyright © Sam Bowker February 2022. Show recorded at Happy U Headquarters. 1/155 The Entrance Rd, Erina, NSW 2250.


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